Much more upbeat today. It’s still grey and miserable outside, but putting my Big Whinge out into the world yesterday helped get it out of my head.
I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but I’m trying to relax into that. Rather than rush around looking for the answer across the whole of the internet, I’m just looking around at things that are available for now. There is a temptation to try and leap into a whole new “career” with pension, structure and maternity pay, but that just makes me feel under pressure, and super-conscious that I don’t have any of those things.
I keep saying that I need to find my passion, and that’s still true. I also need to build a life that is not dependant on work. If I feel as though I’m not contributing to anything, it’s because I’m not. I spend my time at home, browsing the internet and watching crap telly. There are hundreds of inspirational bloggers out there, changing lives with their words and enthusiasm. There are thousands of volunteers out there, giving their time to help make the world a nicer place.
I do need to spend time every day, looking for work which will pay me money. There are many hours in the day, however, and it’s time I thought more wisely about how I spend them.
I am seriously struggling today. Seriously. Struggling. It’s a wet, grey day outside, and it’s a wet, grey day in my head. Forgive me the self-indulgent whine that is forthcoming. I try not to be a dark cloud of misery all over the internet, but c’est la vie.
I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know how to evaluate my contribution to the household/community/world without having a paid job. I don’t know what to do when my education, qualifications and experience are all worthless. I don’t know how to start again, in a time when employers are firing rather than hiring. I don’t know how to cope with the guilt when my hard working husband can’t go on holiday, because he’s supporting a household on his own. I don’t know how to sustain a lie amongst family members who don’t know about the situation because it would worry them.
I don’t know how to be this person. But I am.
Today I am choosing to worry about something else which is entirely beyond my control. The potential loss of £95.
See, towards the end of August, I ordered a couple of dressed from the Oasis website. I didn’t especially like either of them, so decided to send them back. They fitted back in the bag they’d arrived in, and I shoved them in our local postbox. This was two weeks ago, and I have not yet received a refund. I have ordered stuff from this website before and not had a problem with sending stuff back in the same way, and getting a refund. I can’t remember how long it took, but have a feeling it wasn’t this long. Or maybe it was and I just didn’t notice because I wasn’t quite so hyper aware of every penny coming in and going out of our bank account.
I’m worried because I couldn’t be arsed going to the post office to post it and therefore have no proof I sent them back. I’m pissed off because if I was going to spend £95, I’d like to keep the clothes. I’ve emailed the store, and am awaiting a response.
I guess this counts as some kind of psychological displacement activity; worrying about the loss of £95, instead of the fact that I’ve just lost a job that paid me significantly more than that.
Last week, I found myself inexplicably grumpy and tired. And then every post I started wasn’t quite right, and I would stop and think “I’ll come back to this later”.
A weekend spent at the Alnwick food and beer festival with friends, gave me a stonking hangover but renewed determination to return to a happier state of mind. Convinced I needed merely to “fake it till you make it”, I worked off my hangover on Sunday by cleaning the house in a proper, scrubbing-floors-and-skirting-boards kind of way. I greeted Monday by getting up at a reasonable hour, going for a run and settling myself to really crack on with some writing.
And then the phone rang.
Turns out the lovely people at the High Street bank which had offered me a position are, in fact, rejecting my application. As my previous reference states I was dismissed for “gross misconduct”, the computer says no. I was not pleased. I jumped through hoops for a few hours, discussing the situation with various people. It’s still a no.
Am gutted. I’d begun to talk myself into this as a potential career, looking at future options for training and now it’s all fecked. I’m frustrated too, as I discussed the whole situation at interview, and was assured it wouldn’t be an issue.
The teeny, tiny ray of light is that I am appealing against the decision to dismiss me made by my previous employer. If I can persuade them to reduce “gross misconduct” to “misconduct”, then I am still in with a chance with the bank. This is timely information as my appeal hearing is tomorrow, so I have something to really focus on.
Am too tired to be optimistic, I shall aim for something above apathetic.
I said yesterday that I’m using my free time in September to lose weight and get fitter. There’s a whole unwritten post based on that one sentence, but this is not that post.
This post is about getting too smug for your own damn good. See, I’ve been prowling around all the healthy living blogs, seeking out like-minded people and reading their thoughts on health, fitness and getting one’s shit together. I found the lovely Stacey at The Habit of Healthy asking questions about running in the winter and inclement weather. Having trained for two marathons over the worst of Scottish winters, I felt pretty qualified to send a few tips her way. Tips which pretty much boiled down to “Ach, it doesn’t rain that much, get yourself some weatherproof gear and get out there! You won’t melt!”. All of which I wholeheartedly believe in.
I am SO GOOD with the theory. You see, I’ve set myself a goal to do 30 minutes of exercise every day in September. It’s not always hardcore exercise, yesterday I went to a yoga class for an hour, but it’s something. 30 minutes, minimum, of focusing on my health and my body. Today, I’m supposed to go for a run. Or some other form of cardiovascular exercise. Tuesday nights are normally running club nights, but I have a date with Le Homme to watch Scotland lose a football match to a diddy team from Eastern Europe. So I figured I’d go for a run this morning, come home, soak in the bath for a while and then settle down to write.
But. It’s RAINING. Really raining. And blustering. It is not summer anymore, and it is NOT NICE out there. I could go to the gym, but by the time I’ve walked there, I’ll be pretty damn wet. So I might as well go for a run. With my good gear on, because I won’t melt.
I haven’t blogged for a while, because I’ve been busy, busy, busy. It’s been nice, but the busier I get, the harder it is to go back and catch up. I feel like there’s a whole bunch of stuff unsaid here, as the blog moves from “Woe! I’ve been stupid, and now fired!” to “La, this is my life and what I get up to and worry about”. It feels like an awkward transition for some reason, though I can’t believe anyone reads it for the job trauma content.
Anyway, behold a charming bullet pointed list of recent drama;
- The Hen Do that I was so concerned about turned out to be a lot of fun. It seems that my absence from that particular group of girls has imbued me with some kind of enigmatic, glamour status. Apparently, the less contact you have with people, the more mysterious you become. It’s gratifying that for some reason, they take my shy, awkward, clumsy social graces as an enigmatic aloofness, and they were falling over themselves to chat to me, sit next to me at dinner, and generally catch up. It was nice, if a little surreal.
- Le Homme and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary by buying an extremely large tent and heading for South West Scotland for a long weekend. It was fantastic fun and featured my favourite place EVER – Wigtown. Known as “Scotland’s Book Town” it is full of second-hand bookshops and is fabulous fun to wander around in. The rest of the weekend featured cycling, chocolate factories, a tractor show, giant model dinosaurs,fish and chips on the beach, and the worst singing known to man. I have since learned that camping requires more blankets than you could possibly imagine, even in August. Also, that if you get married, it’s not advisable to do so on a Bank Holiday weekend as it makes anniversary get aways less romantic, more “family friendly”.
- It is currently semi-confirmed that I have a job, just waiting on reference checks etc. I start a “training week” at the end of September, so I’m planning to use the next three weeks wisely. Which brings me to….
- I’m getting podgy. Days spend sitting in my joggies are doing nothing for my waistline. I will be blogging about this in more detail (oh, so much detail) but I want to lose weight and get fitter again.
- I’ve written nary a word of My Great and Future Novel, but am all caught up on all blogs everywhere. Actually having a deadline of sorts to work to is giving me focus and being caught up on everything else gives me no excuses. Three weeks might not get it finished, but it’ll certainly be more started than it is now.
- I have created my food blog – The Little Red Kitchen, which I have kept quiet about until I was sure I could be bothered doing it every day. There’s a months worth of recipes there now and I’d love some feedback, good or bad.
Which just about gets me updated, I think. I guess blogging gets less exciting when your life returns to a more even keel.